Fear Wins Out

I have been afraid my entire life. Of everything. Afraid of something. Afraid of someone. Afraid. Of course I have the normal fears. Snakes. Heights. Tight spaces. Alligators. (Is that a normal one?) Water. Not rain or storms. I do love storms. I find them calming. And romantic. It’s the sea I fear. And lakes. And rivers. And canals. Any water that I cannot see through to the bottom. But I have other fears. Fears of…life. I guess I always thought that adulthood would bring me peace from fear. I was wrong. It has not. I am still afraid. Every day of everything. As a child I was afraid of my parents and both my brothers. I was afraid something I did or said would bring out the belt. Or the switch. I was afraid of the belt. And the switch. I was afraid one of my brothers would beat me up. They would never do it on purpose, just in fun. I was afraid of that fun. I was afraid of going to school in the mornings because I was afraid of the other kids. The boys and the girls. In fifth grade once a girl slapped my face because she thought I reported her for cheating on a test. I knew she had cheated but I had not reported her. I was afraid to. I was afraid to go out for P.E. because I was afraid of football and baseball and basketball and dodge ball. A kid thought I ran the bases too slow once and threw a baseball into the back of my head. I was afraid of games. I was never good at them and was afraid of the laughter my playing them brought. I was afraid to raise my hand in class even when I knew without a doubt I had the right answer. Raising my hand meant bringing attention to myself. I was afraid of that. Stay quiet and stay invisible. It was fear that kept me from dating in high school (and far beyond even to this day). Fear of being turned down. Although this was probably a baseless fear since I knew (and still know) I would be rejected. Why fear what you know to be true? But I was afraid nonetheless. Because of my fear I have always been a great employee or a terrible one. Nothing in between. Because I was always afraid I would screw something up on the job I was either meticulous to a fault or so afraid I would screw up that I did screw up. A lot. Jobs scare me. I am afraid I will not do well. I am always afraid I will be fired. There are a couple of things that do not scare me. A couple of things I do not fear. Being on stage has never been something I was afraid of. From the very first moment I first walked onto a stage I felt at ease and at home. Although acting in front of the camera scares me. Not sure why. I am afraid of cameras. Afraid to have my picture taken. Maybe that’s it. I am afraid of love. I am afraid of life. I am afraid of people. I do not answer my door. Bad news and death both come knocking they say. I am afraid of both. I rarely answer my phone. Even if it is someone I know. Or love. Or miss. I have to be in the right place emotionally to talk on the phone. And being afraid is not the right place. I will call people back when the fear subsides. Although that sometimes takes longer that I wish it did. I am afraid of crowds and yet I love the streets of New York. It is my favorite place. I lived there for years and was never in fear for my life or my safety. I felt at home. As Kristofferson said - a walking contradiction. I fear growing old alone and yet I know I will. I have my son and he brings me joy and hope. I do not fear being a dad. I am good at it. Maybe the only thing I have ever been good at. No fear there. In the meantime I shall continue to live and love on the stage. The place where fear has no home.